Are we slaves to our children?

Val Harris from Time 2 Talk outlines the importance of encouraging your children to be more self-reliant.

If you lead a busy life it often seems quicker and easier to do things for your kids rather than nag them to do things for themselves. Whether it's a 5 year old who takes an eternity to put their shoes on the wrong feet to a 15 year old who ignores constant pleas and nags to tidy their room, it has become a parent's mantra to say, 'I may as well do it myself.' Some parent's do more and more for their kids for what they call a 'peaceful life,' but is this true?

Maybe it's just a matter of getting into bad habits, that don't work for parents who end up exhausted and stressed, and don't work for our children who are not learning to be independent. When families had broods of 6 or 7 children, teaching them to help was a practical necessity. Now, with the trend to have children later in life and less of them, perhaps we are in danger of treating them as precious, and over-protect them. And as we do more and more for them, it becomes the expected way for parents to behave and we are afraid to be found wanting. If we didn't do all we possibly could for our children, would we feel we were letting them down?

Yet the one thing we are in danger of teaching them is a kind of 'learned helplessness'- the belief that they can take a passive role in life while parents run around in circles for them. However, as someone wisely said, 'in no society are slaves respected,' and that in itself is worth thinking about.

As a parent there are two main jobs - one is to give your kids self-confidence to go out into the world feeling good about themselves, and the other is to teach self-reliance so they can cope when they get there. Imagine yourself starting out in your first flat aged 20 and think of all the things you'd need to know. That's what you could be teaching your children now and the best way to start is gradually with age appropriate tasks.

An American newspaper recently published a guide to the kind of tasks children can perform at various ages. At 3, 'children should be able to tidy their toys into a box,' at 14-17, 'they should be cleaning the bathroom and mowing the lawn.' It all starts with motivating your child and gaining their co-operation. What's more, when a child lays the table, cooks a meal, tidies their room, or helps in the garden they have a sense of satisfaction and a growing confidence.

Through working with families at Time2Talk we've noticed a vicious circle of behaviour that starts with parents hoping that things will get done, nagging when they are not, criticising the children for their lack of co-operation, and before long, arguments become a constant theme in family life. Sometimes it takes a conscious effort and some new strategies to turn things around rather than just waiting and hoping for family life to improve.

Time2Talk, a local charity (formerly Parenthood) works either one-to-one or with small groups of parents to help families open the channels of communication and make family life easier and calmer. Contact them on 0845 345 2499 or email: time2talk@bott40freeserve.co.uk